Just a couple of days ago, I made some general cleaning with my storage boxes and found some old letters. I’m not sure how it got in there as I moved out from our old house years ago. These letters were from my closest friends, school mates and my past relationships. This was very timely as I was meaning to post one day an open letter to my past relationships but I could not figure out how to without sounding negatively as there were no closures for them all. Yup, poor me. 🙂
Warning! Long Chickflix ahead 🙂
Memories came back when I read the letters. The feeling is no longer there but I do remember the initial feeling before everything went crazy down the road. Everything was pure and beautiful until then, like any other love stories I suppose. I then remembered my very first blog post this year about my new year mantras, Bring it On.
8. In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet. Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the best in you.
So, bolder as I am this year, I’ve also wanted to post a not so open letter to my pass, for my very own peace of mind without their expense of course. Just like my previous post, Random Radicals, it became therapeutic for me in a way by stating my thoughts and opinion about some social taboos. Now, I want to tackle about my inner taboos. (I wish my future self will not hate me for this. Again the pros and cons of personal blogging my friends).
SOME ARE THERE TO TEST YOU
Believe it or not, I was in college when I had my first boyfriend, as I was the typical school girl type who’s so focus with school stuff. I did have some suitors prior to that but I wasn’t interested at all until I decided during my senior college year to be in a long-term-genuine relationship. And I did. We were almost 7 years together since then, boyfriend turned fiance and almost tied the knot. (Mind you, this is not the reason why I don’t like getting married if some psychologist would happen to read pass my posts 🙂 but perhaps maybe).
Anyhow, from day one to the very last day that we’ve met in our 7th year together, our relationship was challenged over and over again, from the people around us to our careers and even simple daily chores. But don’t get me wrong, he was very kind to me and loved me in an unconventional way which only I can decipher. He’s often described by our common friends, someone hard to love. He has no disabilities or whatsoever, in fact his the college’s Magna cum laude in our batch but there is something in him that is not suited for me as they say. And there are better guys around me that deserves my love and attention. But, I didn’t heed neither of their advise.
Until, one day, my darkest hour came. Pressure from medical school (which would decide my fate as a doctor) and family problems came all at the same time and I felt so alone in my life. Not even my closest friends could console me. I only wanted him but he was not there for me when I needed him the most. He was so consumed about the world that he has at that moment and didn’t even notice that I needed him so badly to at least comfort me even just a single word.
Because we both decided to push through my medical school instead of settling after college and this dark hour should have not come. But he left me in a sense of physically present but mentally and emotionally absent. It was just an ordinary day for him but that was my darkest hours. I tried to tell him but he was not in the present moment. That really broke my heart as he seemingly forgot our plans. He even told me to give up on it and start working to save for our wedding and family life without even addressing the pain I’ve felt.
Something obviously changed from the pure and beautiful day that we became friends to the romantic lover’s days. Unfortunately, I was depressed, immature, selfish and confused. I left without even saying goodbye. He tried to win me back but the pain and fear of being alone despite being married and all ensues. He already left me once by the way for a very stupid reason where, he thought he would become a distraction to my medical schooling (Day 1 of med school). And then again, he forgot our plans and promises before I signed up for med school. He forgot that I am someone who can fight all battles that comes in our way as long as he just held my hand. I can heal myself, I’m a doctor so to speak 🙂
Sadly, there was no closure for us at all. He is already married and I’m not quite sure if he has kids already. But I’m happy for him and wish him all the best. I learned a lot from our relationship. There are things that just needs to be left as is. I don’t need any closure and he obviously doesn’t need one as well. We are both happy already. We are free from all the pain the possible conflicts if we were still together.
SOME WILL USE YOU
As I was alone and confused back then, I tried to focus on my career instead. But the more I pretend that I’m fine, the more it hurts. Funny how my feeling radiate to a particular person and brought us back together. He was one of my oldest friend who is my confidant, buddy and protector. I always feel safe around him and comfortable telling him everything under the sun without any fear of being judged. He always know when I’m in trouble or sad. He just shows up every time I feel alone without me asking.
In fact, when I found out that I have scoliosis that needs to be surgically operated, he was the only one who cried for me. He knew the process that I’ll go through but among all the people including my closest friends and family, no one showed that much care about me, only him. He knows me even without me telling him and cares a lot for me.
So he did came when I was alone and confused during my darkest hours. He comforted me and told me the words that I want to hear from my past relationship. He was there when I finished medical school. We traveled a lot and made me feel the love and attention I was yearning for 7 years. However, that was short lived.
His ex was forcing him for them to be together again. That was the first time that I saw him so anxious, confused and lost. I even traveled to his place for 6 long hours up north, early morning just to be with him and comfort him like he did for me. But he broke up with me while I’m along the way through the phone. He can’t be contacted anymore. If you could only imagine the pain was doubled and even tripled. I even wish for my bus to crash right at that moment but without hurting other passengers, just me, only 1 casualty, me.
Until one day, I learned that he was not really over his ex, he was actually about to get married with her. Again, there is no closure for us as well. I just felt so used by him, my friend, confidant and protector. If he, the least person who can hurt me, have caused me pain, what more so with other people. I’ve actually accepted the fact and woke up from that dream turned nightmare. They say that some relationships, no matter how special, doesn’t need to end up as couples. But, he made me love him and loved me in return. We could have just stayed best friends but we both choose not to. I was left alone again.
SOME WILL TEACH YOU
Then again, I was alone. I had enough. I learned to love myself first and decided not to get into any kind of relationships. I loved my job so much and enjoyed every second of my single life. I tried to accept the things in my life and just be grateful despite the burden I am carrying inside.
It was also the time that I’ve met a lot of guys who tried courting me. Just for fun and see if I learned something from my past relationships, I went on multiple dates. No intimate dates of course. Just casual dinner, parties and the like. Some guys really thought that I would say yes to them but I wasn’t serious about it. I literally hate them and the dating game. But I love playing the game with them. That was my way of getting back to the guy who used me by playing the game dominated by the players.
Then, I got tired of all the crap in a relationship and at the moment when I decided not to commit myself in any romantic relationships, and literally gave up for a happy ending, the universe sent me someone who helped me pick up my broken pieces and made me believe in love once more.
SOME WILL BRING OUT THE BEST OF YOU
Regardless of your current relationship status, there will be this one person, sent by the heavens to remind you how awesome you are and your past will definitely not define your future. Someone who believes in you no matter what without prejudice. Someone whose happiness is your happiness.
Like what I always say, single, in a relationship, married, complicated, divorced or widowed, there are lessons to be learned and people to be appreciated. Live your life to the fullest but not the expense of other people.
Let me know about your past relationship lessons worth sharing. Don’t forget to subscribe, follow, like and share.
Credits to the owner of the images.